FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY (1st draft) pt. 2 A NIGHT AT THE ROXBURY CUT TO: INT. MASTER BEDROOM - LATER The guys are entertaining the girls with their killer impression of Hall & Oates. DOUG/STEVE (singing) ... Oh, oh, here she comes... The guys do a "here she comes" step. STEVE Watch out, boy, she'll chew you up. Doug chews. STEVE Whoa, here she comes... DOUG/STEVE She's a maneater! The girls look blankly at them. The guys stop. DOUG Guess who that was? VIVICA I have no idea. DOUG Well, I was supposed to have a moustache. VIVICA Sonny and Cher? STEVE Okay, we'll give you another hint. The guys get into their Hall and Oates positions. STEVE (singing) She's a rich girl. DOUG (singing) And she's going to go far 'cause she knows it doesn't matter anyway. Cambi stands. CAMBI (shutting them up) Guys, guys! I have an idea. You want to have some fun? DOUG Sure, fun is our last name. STEVE Plus, fun spelled backwards is 'nuf.' And you can never have 'nuf' fun. VIVICA (takes Steve by the hand) Great. Let's go. STEVE Where we going? VIVICA They're staying in here. And we're going in there. Vivica pulls Steve into an adjoining guest bedroom. DOUG (as the door shuts) Steve! STEVE Doug! INT. GUEST BEDROOM - CONTINOUS ACTION Vivica sits on the bed. Steve awkwardly stands by the door. VIVICA Nice room. STEVE Yeah, it's great. (yelling at door) Doug, you should check out this room! VIVICA I think he's busy. STEVE I'm just a big believer in sharing. Vivica sensually lies back on the bed, staring at Steve. Steve is uncomfortable, starts walking around. VIVICA Steve, why don't you come over here? Vivica pats the bed a few times, inviting him over. Steve watches. Thinks. Then goes over to the bed and also pats it a few times, turning it into a drum solo. VIVICA (stopping him) Steve! Steve stops, looks at her. STEVE Viv, you know what I heard when I first met you? VIVICA What? Steve starts making a very loud inappropriate shrill ambulance siren sound -- over and over. VIVICA What are you doing? Steve stops. STEVE That's an ambulance. Coming to take me away because the sight of you just stopped my heart. Steve is very proud of his comment, and makes another siren sound. CUT TO: INT. MASTER BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS ACTION Doug is sitting next to Cambi, trying to think of something to say. DOUG (trying to be suave) So, Cambi, can I ask you something? Do you like blueberries or strawberries? MR. CAMBI Why? DOUG I want to know what type of pancakes to order you in the morning. He looks proud of his line as we begin to hear Steve O.S. -- from the next room -- making more SIREN SOUNDS, over and over. DOUG You know, I was wondering... (snaps, annoyed at siren sound) Steve! STEVE (O.S.) (stops siren sound) ... Sorry! DOUG I was wondering... Doug starts looking at Cambi's shirt label. CAMBI What are you doing? DOUG Checking your label. Just as I thought. Made in heaven. CAMBI Doug, you've gotten past the opening line. DOUG Hey, is that a mirror in your pocket? CAMBI What? DOUG 'Cause I can see myself in your pants. CAMBI Hey, Doug, if I said you had a nice body, would you hold it against me? DOUG (confused) What? CUT TO: INT. GUEST BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS ACTION Steve and Vivica sitting on the bed. STEVE And this guy on the phone turns around and he tips his hat like this. Doug does a "tip your hat" motion. STEVE And who do you think the guy was? Vivica is bored. CUT TO: INT. MASTER BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS ACTION. Doug is telling Cambi the same story. DOUG And Steve was like 'Emilioooo!' CUT TO: INT. GUEST BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS ACTION Steve is telling the story. STEVE ... Emilioooo! CUT TO: INT. MASTER BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS ACTION Doug still telling story. DOUG Emilioooo! And it was really him. CAMBI Is this your first time? DOUG What? Oh my God. That is hilarious. That is so hilarious! (yelling at the door) Steve, did you hear that? (to Cambi) You don't even know how funny that is. You are funny. You don't even know how funny you are! Man! Cambi pounces on Doug with a kiss. CUT TO: INT. GUEST BEDROOM - CONTINOUS ACTION Vivica is inches away from Steve's mouth. STEVE Vivica, I've been thinking. Our relationship is really going strong now. We've had some great times together that I'll never forget. Remember when I saw you at the pool? VIVICA Yeah? STEVE So, I was just remembering back. (sighs) You know, an open dialogue is an essential element to any successful long term relationship. I think we have something special going on here and I don't want to move too fast. VIVICA Is this your first time? STEVE Yes. Isn't it yours? Vivica smiles and pounces on Steve, knocking him OUT OF FRAME. CUT TO: INT. MANSION HALLWAY - LATER The bedroom doors simultaneously open. Doug and Steve excited, run into the hallway. STEVE Doug, oh my god! DOUG Oh my God! Did you just? 'Cause I just! STEVE This is unbelievable! DOUG This is historical! This what it's all about! Up Top! They high-five. Doug suddenly catches himself, changes back to cool attitude -- Steve follows. DOUG Not that it hasn't happened before. STEVE Of course not. DOUG I mean it was alright. STEVE The usual. They stand there, posing cool, but awkward for a beat. STEVE I'm gonna go back in the -- DOUG Me, too. I'll see you later. They run back in the bedrooms. CUT TO: EXT. BUTABI HOUSE - DAWN Mr. Zadir's limo pulls up. Doug and Steve get out, shut door. Car drives off. The guys stand in place, in reverie. DOUG Hey, Steve? STEVE Yeah, Doug. DOUG That was great. STEVE I know. Are we A club people now? Doug looks at him -- then to answer, he pulls out a small piece of paper, shows it to Steve. STEVE You got a number! Wooo! DOUG/STEVE Woo! We got a number! They jump up and down, embracing, happy as hell. CUT TO: INT. DOUG AND STEVE'S ROOM - NEXT DAY Doug is working feverishly at his desk. There are phone books, rolodex, staplers, notepads in front of him. Steve enters with a shopping bag. DOUG Where have you been? We've got to get ready for our business meeting with Mr. Zadir? STEVE I got some great new supplies for our business. Steve starts pulling items out of the bag, Doug doesn't pay attention. STEVE 'Post Its' to annotate important documents. 'Little Post Its' 'cause you write smaller than me. 'While you were out' pads -- for while you are out. Scotch tape, in case the Post Its lose their adhesive-osity. And mugs with our names on them. Yours says, 'Doug.' Doug turns around. DOUG Okay, here's what we're gonna do. STEVE (interrupting) Did you call Mr. Zadir? DOUG Steve, before you talk to a man like Mr. Zadir, you have to have a fully developed plan of attack. You have to have all your ducks in row. STEVE I didn't know to get ducks. DOUG That's an expression. STEVE So, we're going back to the dance club idea? DOUG Yeah. Now you set up the office. I'm gonna call some real estate people to talk about locations. At that point, I'd like to schedule a meeting. Can you do tweleve thirty. Doug checks his Filofax. Steve unwraps a new Filofax and starts looking through it. STEVE I'm clear. DOUG Great. Be prepared to discuss possible club names and themes. STEVE What about music? DOUG We'll have to schedule another meeting for that. Hey, you know what? Maybe we should have a pre- meeting to brainstorm before our scheduled meeting. STEVE Yeah. That way we won't look like idiots at our meeting. DOUG Exactly. Okay, I'm gonna roll a few calls. We should order in. STEVE I can take care of that. (to door) Ma! Doug pulls out the phone, starts dialing. Steve starts organizing the desk. DOUG Hey, Steve? STEVE Yeah? DOUG I was just thinking. Dad would really be proud of us right now. They both smile. Mrs. Butabi enters. MRS. BUTABI Boys, your father's furious. You were supposed to be at work an hour ago. DOUG Alright, we're gonna have to do some re-scheduling. CUT TO: INT. SILK PLANT STORE -AFTERNOON Doug, behind cash register, holding clipboard, on the phone. DOUG Yes, hello, I'm interested in your sound systems. I've heard good things about your woofers and tweeters. Steve walks over. STEVE Doug, I... DOUG I'm on a call. Steve nods, knowing what to do. He pulls a Post-It, writes something down and sticks it on Doug's clipboard. A LADY walks up with a small plant. Doug puts a "Register Closed" sign on the counter. The Lady leaves and we FOLLOW her TO Mr. Butabi. LADY Mr. Butabi, where is the other cash register? MR. BUTABI'S POV Cash register. There are several Post-Its stuck to the counter. Steve is filling out another one. BACK TO SCENE MR. BUTABI I'll be with you in a second, Mrs. Manicotti. Mr. Butabi goes over to the cash register. DOUG One second, Dad. MR. BUTABI It's good to see you're on a break. I mean, after all, you've been here almost twenty minutes now and it's hard work listening to your walking man and ringing up the one customer you've had. DOUG Dad, I'm sensing a note of sarcasm. MR. BUTABI This is a very nice sign. Except for one thing. (exploding) This is the only register! This is why I pay you -- to push a button and take the money. Is that too much? Is there some problem I don't know about? Did you injure your button pushing finger in a bad cell phone accident? DOUG Dad, why don't you go to Rexall's Drug Store. I think you need to purchase a bottle of chill pills. MR. BUTABI Just when I thought I had you doing the absolute minimum, you astound me with how much less you can do. DOUG For your information, Dad, we are working our asses off. STEVE Yeah, our week's filling up pretty quick. DOUG Dad, last night, Steve and I happen to have made a very important business contact. MR. BUTABI Oh, what are you dancing the Macarena with Donald Trump? STEVE Did you want me to go the drug store to get those pills? DOUG I think we should tell him now. (excited) Dad, you're gonna love this. We're working on this club idea which could include many silk plant opportunities and guess who we thought could be our supplier? MR. BUTABI Yes, I need you to give me opportunities. I feed you, I clothe you, I put a roof over your head and I pay for your little phones so you can call other idiots. I give up on you two. I am ashamed to call you my sons. DOUG There you go again, Dad. You always tell us to do something with our lives and when we finally do, what happens? You got to put us down. You never support us, you never encourage us, and you never care about what's important to us. Right, Steve? STEVE Do you need a prescription for those pills? MR. BUTABI It's my own fault. I spoil you. From now on, you are no longer allowed to go out to clubs at night. DOUG/STEVE What? MR. BUTABI Now enough wasting time. Go clean up the stock room. DOUG You know what, Poppason, not only will Steve and I not clean the stock room, but we are officially out of here! (to Steve) Come on. Doug starts walking out. STEVE But what about the stock room? DOUG We quit! (turns back to Dad) And we don't need you! We made big contacts last night! STEVE Yeah, plus we met these girls, Dad, and you wouldn't believe what happened. DOUG (to Dad) We're gonna make it without you. You'll see. Doug exits, Steve follows him. MR. BUTABI Yes, I'll see tonight when you get hungry and you come home to eat my food. And when you come crawling to me for more money! CUT TO: EXT. SILK PLANT STORE - CONTINUOUS ACTION Doug and Steve barrel out the front door and head straight for the van. Emily, in a sexy sun dress, carrying two big huge oversized lightbulbs where her breasts would be, steps in front of them. EMILY Hey, Steve! Do you want to go to the beach later? I've got my bathing suit on under this. DOUG (to Emily) Not now! Doug blows by Emily. Beat. He steps back INTO FRAME -- takes a second look at the odd bulb positions -- and exits again. The guys start getting into the van. EMILY I'm not talking to you, Doug. You're an ass. STEVE Emily, we're experiencing a major family crisis. I'm gonna have to take a rain check on this convo. DOUG Steve! Car! STEVE (as he gets into the car) Nice bulbs, Emily. Steve gets in. They PEEL OUT. EMILY (yells after them) So, you want to go out tonight? CUT TO: INT. VAN - CONTINUOUS ACTION The guys speed along on their way to Butabi. Doug is looking over a sheet of paper. DOUG Okay, these are the ideas we'll pitch him. The Jungle Paradise. STEVE Killer. DOUG The Inside Out Club. STEVE Money. DOUG The Civil War. STEVE That one needs work. DOUG Yeah. We'll hold off on that one. And let's not forget our ace in the hole -- The Naked Room. STEVE I think we should call it 'The Nudist Colony.' DOUG That sounds like a strip club. And this is a dance club. STEVE You're right. We'll go with 'The Naked Room.' CUT TO: EXT. ZADIR'S MANSION The silk van drives up. Steve and Doug get out and walk up to the locked gate. DOUG Zadir's gonna be excited to see us. This is it, bro... Doug presses the intercom. They wait. STEVE This is it. Doug presses the intercom buzzer again. No response. As they wait, Steve starts to sing to himself. STEVE (very softly) 'This is it, make your mistakes where you are. This is it...' We realize Steve is singing "This Is It" by Kenny Loggins. Doug slowly joins in as they pass the time. STEVE/DOUG '... We're going no further.' The both step singing as Doug hits the buzzer again. After a beat of waiting, Steve picks up the song where they left off... STEVE (soloing much louder) 'Here! The moment is now, no place for goodbyes...' INTERCOM Male voice starts singing the next lyric. INTERCOM (V.O.) 'And now I'm not so sure... doo doo... deep in my heart...' DOUG/STEVE/INTERCOM (V.O.) This is it! BACK TO SCENE They stop singing. INTERCOM (V.O.) You guys know 'Footloose'? DOUG (running to intercom) Actually, we're here to see Mr. Zadir. It's Steve and Doug Butabi. STEVE (softly to himself) '... pick up your Sunday shoes...' INTERCOM (V.O.) Mr. Zadir's not here. STEVE We were supposed to have a meeting with him about our ideas. Like there's one where the inside is outside and there's one about a jungle and... DOUG (shutting him up, covering the intercom) Steve! Never talk concepts with the intercom. (to intercom) Can we come inside and wait for him? INTERCOM (V.O.) No. DOUG Can we leave him a message? INTERCOM (V.O.) No. STEVE (to Doug) Let's just forget it. DOUG Stay strong, sailor. (to intercom) Do you know where we can find him? INTERCOM (V.O.) He's at the office in Wilshire. They jump in the car and drive off. INTERCOM INTERCOM (V.O.) (singing 'Footloose') ... 'Everybody cut, everybody cut... doo doo.' CUT TO: EXT. OFFICE BUILDING - LATER We see a large engraved marble "Zadir Industries" sign above the entrance. CUT TO: INT. ELEVATOR - LATER We see each elevator button is the name of Zadir's many businesses (Zadir Dry Cleaners, Zadir Beepers, Zadir Gaming & Entertainment, Zadir Real Estate, Executive Suite). DOUG AND STEVE listen to a MUZAK VERSION of "WHAT IS LOVE" by Haddaway. Their heads begin to bop very slowly. A hot-looking businesswoman gets on. They guys smile politely and wait patiently. We hear a DING. The businesswoman gets off. DOUG Hey, Steve, did you notice we forgot to ask her something? STEVE You mean, 'What's up?' DOUG Yeah. That's weird. STEVE Actually, it's not. We're both involved in serious relationships now, and our ladies know they can trust us. 'Trust' being the key element in any worthwhile commitment. DOUG Why go out for burgers when we've got steak at home? STEVE You're right. We should get lunch after this. INT. EXECUTIVE OFFICES - RECEPTION - CONTINOUS ACTION Elevator doors open. Doug and Steve exit onto a very modern white glass floor. RECEPTION AREA Doug and Steve walk over to a RECEPTIONIST. DOUG Doug and Steve Butabi for Mr. Zadir. RECEPTIONIST You're brothers? Doug and Steve give each other a look. They're tempted to tell their "brother joke." DOUG Ma'am, thanks for the setup, but we really can't get into that right now. Steve looks down the hall of offices to his left. STEVE'S POV At the end of the hall, Mr. Zadir and Dooey quickly walk by. BACK TO SCENE STEVE Doug, Mr. Zadir! The guys run down the hall. RECEPTIONIST Hey, you can't...! HALLWAY The guys run past office files, they pass a Fed Ex woman. Steve stops in his tracks. STEVE Look, I'm sorry to disappoint you, but I'm in a serious relationship right now. Steve immediately jumps back into full stride. END OF HALLWAY The guys turn a corner. CONFERENCE ROOM DOOR As Dooey closes the door, we see Mr. Zadir at the head of a board meeting. Zadir does not see them. Dooey turns around. DOUG/STEVE Dooey! My very main man. Up top! The guys raise their hands to high five. CUT TO: INT. RECEPTION AREA - LATER Dooey forcefully drags the guys by their shirts, through the door and towards the elevators. STEVE (sincere) So, Dooey, how's everything goin'? DOUG Ragin' party last night. DOOEY Yeah, is that what my mother said to you... (indicating he heard them in the limo) ... or was it my father? Dooey drops the guys next to the elevator, presses the down button, begins to walk away. DOUG So, Zadir wants to have this meeting by the elevators? Dooey stops and slowly turns around. DOOEY Those Redi Whip cans were a big hit last night. I was out till four in the morning trying to find more. STEVE (impressed) From dusk 'til dawn -- you, sir, are a party animal. DOOEY (threatening) Don't go near Mr. Zadir. He was drunk last night and he doesn't even remember you. You think you're the first losers he's picked up that I've had to get rid of come Monday? DOUG Uh... Doo-man, I don't know if I'm reading my diss-meter correctly. Because are we being blown off. DOOEY Just stay away if you know what's good for you. Dooey walks away. The guys are in shock for a beat. Suddenly, Doug bolts full speed past Dooey and back into the office. Dooey follows. CUT TO: INT. CONFERENCE ROOM DOOR Doug runs up to the shut door and starts banging. No response. He notices, to the left, a glass window looking into the conference room. DOUG'S POV Zadir looks up -- we can't tell if he sees Doug or not. BACK TO SCENE Suddenly, two burly security guys pull Doug away. CUT TO: EXT. ZADIR'S OFFICE BUILDING - LATER The security guys physically push the guys out the building. STEVE (to security) Alright, so we'll see you guys later. The security guys, unfazed, walk back in. CUT TO: INT. VAN - LATER The guys get in and sit there, depressed. After a beat... STEVE What do you want to do? DOUG I can't talk to you right now. Give me a second. STEVE Maybe we should just go back to work. DOUG Yeah, and maybe we should just go to college and not put gel in our hair and starts wearing blue jeans. Let's do that, Steve! STEVE ... Sorry. Steve suddenly gets an idea and reaches into the glove compartment. He pulls out the piece of paper with Cambi's number on it -- we see he's put it in a small lucite frame. STEVE (trying to cheer Doug up) Cambi's number. Doug looks up at the number, starts to come out of his funk. STEVE We had a sweet time last night, didn't we? DOUG Sweet ass time. STEVE Diabetic. I could see doing that again, maybe even a couple a times a week, right? DOUG The ladies await, my friend. Cell! Steve slaps a cellular phone into Doug's hand. Steve looks down, shifts again, they pull out. CUT TO: INT. MONDRIAN SKYBAR - LATER Cambi and Vivica are standing by the bar, talking to AKIRO and TORONAGA, two middle-aged Japanese businessmen . VIVICA Yeah, I think it's great how you get to travel around the world. AKIRO (in Japanese) These hotties are sweet. TORONAGA (in Japanese) Sweet ass. We hear a PAGER GO OFF in Cambi's bag. She checks the beeper. VIVICA Who is it? CAMBI I don't know. It's just a bunch of pound signs. CUT TO: INT. VAN - CONTINUOUS ACTION Doug is repeatedly pressing the phone pad over and over. STEVE I'm not sure you're doing it right. DOUG (frustrated) Steve, you have to hit the pound sign or it doesn't go through. (sighs) Maybe their phones aren't working. STEVE Try putting in our number and then hitting pound. DOUG Excuse me, Mr. Bill Nye the Science Guy. Doug starts putting in their number... INTERCUT WITH: INT. MONDRIAN SKYBAR - CONTINOUS ACTION Cambi is talking on a cellular phone near the table, as Vivica entertains the Japanese businessmen. CAMBI Hello? DOUG Cambi. It's your boyfriend. I need to see you. CAMBI (not knowing who it is) Uh... well, I'm at the Skybar. DOUG Be right there... sweetheart. Steve gives Doug a thumbs up. CUT TO: EXT. VAN - CONTINOUS ACTION The van pulls up and the guys get out and head in. DOUG How's my hair? STEVE Good. DOUG Long-term relationship good? STEVE It's totally committed. You know, Doug, when things aren't going so well, it really makes you realize how much your woman means to you. CUT TO: INT. SKYBAR - DAY Steve and Doug enter and are hit with the unwelcome sight of their girls flirting with the businessmen. They strut over, ready to fight. DOUG These guys bothering you? CAMBI Hi, Doug. DOUG (to businessmen) You guys messing with our women. JAPANESE GUYS (in Japanese) What's up? DOUG You want to mix it up? Come on! Take me on. I'm insane. You don't know what you're dealing with. The businessmen look at them strangely. STEVE Vivica, I'm feeling a little vulnerable here. I thought we had an understanding. And I can't believe you're willing to just throw away everything we've been to each other? VIVICA Doug, Steve, this is Akiro and Toronaga... they're my cousins. Steve is relieved, Doug is mistrustful. STEVE (holding out hand to shake) Oh! Well, it's about time that we met the family. DOUG (pulling to Steve's hand back) Come on! What do you think, we're stupid? How can they be your cousins? VIVICA (like talking to a child) Well, his mother and my mother are sisters and that makes us cousins. DOUG ... Oh. Okay. CAMBI (to Akiro and Toronaga) Would you excuse us a second? DOUG Yeah, we just got to talk to them a second. STEVE Yeah, 'cause we slept with them last night so... ` CUT TO: EXT. MONDRIAN - SIDEWALK - DAY Cambi and Vivica, Steve, Doug assemble near the Silk van. CAMBI So, did you guys have as good a time last night as we did? STEVE I had a great time, Vivica. In fact, I think we've reached the point where I can comfortably call you 'Viv' and leave out the 'Ica.' DOUG So, you guys want to hang out or see a movie or do what we did last night... or eat or... just do what we did last night or hang out, eat and then do what we did last night or... you know, whatever... and do what we did last night. VIVICA Sounds good. Cambi gives Doug a kiss. He melts, then quickly tries to act cool. Vivica affectionately holds Steve's arm. STEVE Viv, I'm glad our relationship is strong enough to withstand the hard times -- like when were just in the bar -- I also think we're not just projecting onto one another but dealing with the reality of who we are. And most important, we know how to listen. VIVICA What? CAMBI Hey, you boys want to go somewhere quiet? The girls look at them seductively. DOUG No... DOUG/STEVE Yes! STEVE (in reference to joke) It's gold. I'm telling you. The guys high five and laugh -- they walk to the van. Doug opens the passenger door. DOUG Ladies, have your boarding passes ready. Cambi and Vivica just stand there. CAMBI What are you doing? STEVE Aisle or window seat? I'm sorry, ma'am, you're gonna have to check that bag... The movie on this flight will be uh... I don't know. I can't think of any more. VIVICA Where's your car? DOUG Our dad got mad and took it away. CAMBI Your dad? STEVE Yeah, we used to work for him, but we quit today so actually we're unemployed. VIVICA You're not in business with Mr. Zadir? DOUG Yes, we are. But, not now. We just met him last night. But, we will be. So, no, but, yes. STEVE Especially, if we ever get to see him again. The girls digest this for a beat. Cambi signals to Vivica and they both start walking back to the bar. The guys, confused, run up to them. STEVE Hey, we were just kidding about those boarding passes. You can get in. CAMBI Get away from us. DOUG What's going on? CAMBI You guys are a big waste of time. DOUG ... Como what? VIVICA Steve, you're a jerkoff. STEVE Well, I'm glad you shared that with me. That's a big step for the both of us. CAMBI Guys, consider what we did with you last night a favor. Now do us a favor and never talk to us again! DOUG What did we do wrong? We'll change. VIVICA No, you can't change. You and your brother are ugly pathetic losers. (to Cambi) That's the problem with nightclubs. Poor schmucks look just the same as rich schmucks. The girls walk back to the bar. The guys watch them go. CAMBI (as they walk) I can't believe we actually had sex with those asswads. I hope the nips are still at the bar. The girls disappear into the bar. The guys stand in shock, trying to absorb the ultimate rejection. CUT TO: EXT. FREEWAY - LATER Slow-moving congestion. We see the Silk van driving in the middle of it. CUT TO: INT. SILK VAN - CONTINOUS ACTION Doug and Steve sit in silence for a while. STEVE (trying to cheer him up) Hey, Doug, I think some of the plants are beginning to wilt... no, I'm just kidding. They're made out of silk. Doug doesn't respond. STEVE (singing quietly) ... 'This is it.' DOUG (cutting him off) Steve! This is the worst day of my life. So, if you don't mind, I really don't want to hear you talk right now. STEVE Well, it hasn't been the Super Bowl for me either... (mumbling) ... just trying to get you to talk. DOUG (blowing up) Talk?! You want me to talk, Steve?! I'll talk. Blah-blah-blah, talk, talk, talk! I'm talking! You feel better now?! Talk! STEVE I don't really know how to respond to that. DOUG (ripping into him) Oh, big surprise, Steve. You don't know how to do something. You don't know how to work the clubs, you don't know how to talk to women. The only thing you know how to do is ask me how to do everything! STEVE But, I -- DOUG That's why everthing's gone wrong... 'cause you're holding me back. DOUG (CONT'D) You're so needy all the time. You're like this thing tied to my leg, like this... dragging thing... STEVE A lead weight? DOUG Yes, a lead weight. (sincere) Thanks. (back to angry) And I am not letting you drag me down anymore. STEVE ... You know, can't blame me for what happened. Today was a series of random events gone awry. DOUG Maybe events wouldn't go awry if I had someone with a brain sitting next to me. STEVE Oh, yeah. Well, maybe I'd have better events if I was with someone with a higher level of looks and taller. Doug, in shock, starts to hyperventilate from anger. DOUG (breathing heavily) I'm tall enough to kick your ass. STEVE (cupping his ear) Did you say something? It's hard to hear things that low down to the ground. DOUG Well hear this. Consider me your ex-brother. STEVE I don't care. DOUG You care about this? Doug fakes throwing a punch -- Steve flinches. Steve fake punches -- Doug flinches. DOUG You want the real thing?! STEVE No. DOUG Then stop talking to me. STEVE My pleasure. They continue along in silence, both looking miserable. CUT TO: EXT. BUTABI HOUSE - NEXT MORNING We see the Silk van parked in front of the house. CUT TO: INT. DOUG AND STEVE'S ROOM - CONTINUOUS ACTION Steve lies on his bed looking out the window. Doug's bed is empty. STEVE'S POV We see Doug carrying all his clothes into the Butabi guest cottage. STEVE is sad. Gets up, walks to Doug's desk and throws all the Post-its and business supplies in the trash. CUT TO: INT. BUTABI GUEST COTTAGE - CONTINOUS ACTION A simple studio. Doug dumps his belongings on the bed -- bottles of hair gel, colognes, aftershaves, etc. He picks up Cambi's framed number, yanks it out of the frame and rips it to shreds. Then he sits back on the bed, picks up remote and turns the TELEVISION ON. TELEVISION SCREEN Oddly enough, it's a rerun of "21 Jump Street" featuring Richard Greico. BACK TO SCENE DOUG Lies! All lies! Doug shuts it OFF. CUT TO: INT. SILK PLANT STORE - DAY A depressed Steve is emotionally selling a plant to a female customer. STEVE (sadly) That's right, ma'am. It's silk. It'll always be in bloom. It'll never change. It'll never die. It'll never yell at you and call you a 'loser.' It'll always be in your room where you left it, not suddenly move out into the guest house. The customer is crying. Mr. Butabi walks over, pulls Steve aside. MR. BUTABI What are you doing? All the customers are depressed. STEVE (looking over at empty register) I'm just used to seeing Doug at the register. I miss him. MR. BUTABI But he's only in the guest house. It's ten feet away. It's like a mansion in there. STEVE There's no cable. MR. BUTABI There is Cinemax. STEVE (crying) But, there's no H.B.O. Steve walks off, upset. CUT TO: INT. CRUNCH GYM - DAY Emily, in skin-tight shiny body suit, is exercising on the Peck Deck portion of a Nautilus machine -- filled with people. She finishes her last repetitions. EMILY Nine... ten. She stops. Then looks in a little workout book entitled Diet to Get Steve. EMILY Okay. One more set. Add ten pounds. She bends down and pulls the metal pin out of the weights. The person next to her, using the lat bar, goes flying up. EMILY Whoops. Sorry. Wrong pin. EMILY'S POV Steve is doing sit-ups on a slant board. Craig spots him. CRAIG AND STEVE Steve is straining, in mid-crunch. Craig is eating a Power Bar. CRAIG Not the neck -- the stomach. Not the thighs -- the stomach. Not the shoulders - the... Oh my God! STEVE What? CRAIG Ab citing! Six pack in full effect. STEVE Where! Steve rushes to mirror, holds up his shirt. Craig points. CRAIG There she cuts. Emily enters. EMILY Hi, Steve. Is that an ab? CRAIG (noticing Emily's body) Toned and tight, Emily. Want to power up? He offers her a bite of his bar. She ignores him. Craig stands there chewing a Power Bar and drinking an "Ultra Fuel" while they talk. EMILY I heard about your brother. STEVE (avoiding eye contact) What'd you hear about him? EMILY Your father said you and him quit, then you had a fight, then you came crawling back to work like he said you would and how your brother didn't. STEVE So? EMILY So, when are we going out? CRAIG I know a place with good spinach wraps? STEVE Look, Emily, I know you've had your heart set on this a long time, but, the truth is we're from two different worlds. I mean, I'm a rebel... and you're kind of the sweet girl next door type. EMILY Steve, I work next door. It's not a type, it's a location. STEVE You know what I mean. I don't know if you can handle a guy like me. I'm used to more, like experienced women. EMILY Duh. You're forgetting -- I got to college. Translation -- drunken orgies with occasional Cliff Notes. CRAIG I know Cliff. Weak delts. EMILY And I'm not one of those date rape crybabies. STEVE Look, it sounds good, but I'm getting over a very serious relationship right now. It's gonna take some time to nurse my emotional wounds. And that could take, like, until Saturday. EMILY Perfect, your dad bought us two tickets to David Copperfield, this Saturday. STEVE I'll let you know how I'm feeling. EMILY It'll be fun to see things appear, and then disappear. Emily grabs his face and shoves her tongue down his throat for a beat and pulls back. EMILY See ya. CRAIG (watching Emily leave) Tight glutes. (sincere) Steve, as a trainer. I'm pretty perceptive about picking up body language... I think she likes you. CUT TO: EXT. BUTABI GUEST COTTAGE - NIGHT (ONE WEEK LATER) The cottage is dark. SUBTITLE: ONE WEEK LATER Doug is unshaven, unkempt. Disinterestedly flipping channels. He throws the remote away. DOUG ... Fine! I won't watch Larry Sanders! Gets up and exits. We hear the VAN PEEL OUT. Seperation MONTAGE BEGINS: CUT TO: MONTAGE A) INT. DAVID COPPERFIELD SHOW - NIGHT David Copperfield is on stage doing a pseudo-sexy trick. In the audience, Steve tries to subtly work his arm behind Emily. She notices, grabs his hand, and plants it on her breast. CUT TO: B) INT. DISCO - NIGHT Doug is drunk, trying to dance with a girl. She pushes him away into another girl who shoves him into a biker guy -- who tries to dance with him. CUT TO: C) EXT. BUTABI GUEST COTTAGE -NIGHT The dogs are dragging a dead deer across the driveway. Suddenly, the Silk van pulls in too fast, runs over some plants and smashes over a chaise lounge chair. The van stops and Doug, literally, falls out of the van and onto the ground. He lies there. CUT TO: D) INT. SILK STORE DAY Mr. Butabi is helping Steve put on store manager jacket. Mr. Anderson, Emily, congratulate him. CUT TO: E) INT. GUEST COTTAGE - DAY A very dissapointed Doug is sucking on a Redi Whip can. He looks out the window. F) DOUG'S POV The pool: He can see Emily and Steve going at it on air mattress. G) BACK TO SCENE Doug sprays the window with whipped cream to block the view. END OF MONTAGE CUT TO: INT. DOUG AND STEVE'S ROOM - NIGHT Steve and Emily are in bed -- pre-sex. Steve is in a pajama top. Emily is in a black nightie and flipping through a USC School of Business course guide. Steve kisses her neck, Emily keeps reading. Steve reaches over and puts his hand on her breast. Emily keeps reading. He pulls his hand back. EMILY Here's one -- 'Business Computer Systems.' STEVE (disinterested) I'm not real good with machines. That was Doug's thing. I'm more of a people person. EMILY Steve, a businessman has to have a knowledge of computers. Ooo! -- 'Venture Management and Analysis.' you have to take that. STEVE You know, my dad's giving me the store anyway. I don't really have to go back to school. EMILY One store? Yah... and maybe we'll just have like one house and one car. Steve, we're gonna have more than one store. And you have to be prepared. STEVE I don't really want to go back to school. I'll have to read. STEVE (CONT'D) And homework and teachers always asking you if you'd like to share that with the rest of the class. EMILY Don't upset me. Unless you want to make me less horny. STEVE No, that wouldn't be good. EMILY (kissing him) Look, first, we combine the stores, plants and lamps, then we can add furniture, you know recliners... Emily climbs on top of him, and rubs herself against him. EMILY ... sofas and tables and... and... She moans. STEVE ... chairs? EMILY Oh, yes! Chairs and wastepaper baskets and... and... STEVE Ah!... Ottomans! Emily rips Steve's pajama top off, as she rides him. EMILY (progressively getting closer to orgasm) And then we'll open a second store in Orange County with dinette sets and entertainment centers, and a third in San Francisco and then we'll be bigger than Ikea, oh my God... Home Depot! I, I, Ikeaaa! Emily orgasms and slides off Steve. STEVE Emily, I'm sort of feeling, you know, like we're moving too fast. You're talking like we're married. EMILY (taking it as a proposal) Oh my God! Steve! You've made me so happy! She hugs him. STEVE (upset) What? No, no. I meant... Emily quickly ducks OUT OF FRAME to perform oral sex on STEVE -- who quickly stops being upset. STEVE (relaxes) ... Oookay. CUT TO: INT. PALACE DANCE CLUB -NIGHT Doug and Craig sit at a table with drinks. Craig, in suit and "Pump It" gym headband, bops in place. Doug doesn't. CRAIG Doug, If I'm not mistaken, this place has got it going on. I owe you big time for inviting me. Craig hands Doug a health bar. DOUG'S POV The candy bar wrapper reads "Big Time -- Protein Supplement for serious Bodybuilders." BACK TO SCENE CRAIG Wooooo! Who wants to dance all night long! And I mean aaall night! Wooo! (sits) Doug, I am having a hell of a time! DOUG Whatever, Craig. CRAIG Hey, do you think I should wear this outfit to your brother's wedding? DOUG What? CRAIG Your brother's wedding? What are you gonna wear? DOUG (dropping head to table) Oh, God. CRAIG You got to hand it to Steve. That Emily's the perfect woman. Strong legs, low body fat, and a positive mental attitude. A lady like that can really keep you on track. Is it okay to wear black at an afternoon affair? DOUG Shut up, you idiot. CRAIG Doug, I know you and your brother are having some problems, but that is no reason to refer to my intellectual capacity in a diminutive manner. DOUG I'm sorry, Craig, but you totally Wolf Blitzerd me with the matrimony update. Do you mind if we just don't talk about my brother? CRAIG Ten-Four. Boundary set. DOUG (perking himself back up) Look, did we come here for some Starbucks' latte chitchat or did we come here to hit on hotties? CRAIG Hotties. DOUG Let's do it. They move out. BAR The guys walk over to the back of a blonde woman. DOUG Hey, sweetness, what's up? The woman turns around -- it's ELLEN DEGENERES. DOUG Hey, fine thing, you got it going on. ELLEN DEGENERES Thank you. I was worried. DOUG So, you want to shake it? ELLEN DEGENERES No, I think I'll just let it sit. DOUG You sure? ELLEN DEGENERES Now that I've met you, I'm more sure than I've ever been. Ellen walks away. CRAIG That was a... (makes alien hand signal and sounds) ... close encounter. DOUG She'll be back. Just playing hard to get. CRAIG I am having a hell of a time! Wooo! CUT TO: INT. BUTABI DINING ROOM - NIGHT Filled with the entire Butabi and Anderson family, including old folks. This is the pre-wedding rehearsal dinner. MRS. BUTABI And the hors d'oeuvers are hummus dip and babaganoush... MABEL Who's going to eat that? You should have pigs in the blanket and chicken fingers. Steve is sticking a spoon on his nose. Mr. Butabi takes it and taps his glass, standing up. MR. BUTABI Okay. A toast to Steve and Emily, who after tommorow will be Mr. and Mrs. Steve Butabi. EMILY Emily Anderson-Butabi. MR. BUTABI Really. Okay. Well... to whoever they turn out to be. FRED (standing up) I would also like to thank everyone for flying in to join us. My brother and his wife from Chicago. My parents who came in all the way from Maine despite Mom's sciatica. And the Butabis who came all the way in from Yee- men. MR. BUTABI (correcting him) Yemen. FRED Wherever the hell that is. I'm just kidding. And that's not the only union I'm excited about. From what I understand, we got a new lamp/plant store. MR. BUTABI That's plant/lamp store. Ha ha... that's a joke. But, seriously, I think it sounds better. EMILY Steve, don't you want to make a toast? STEVE No, that's alright. EMILY (pushing him up) All the men are doing it? STEVE (standing) So, okay, uh... I just want to say... what's up... Grandpa, Grandma, and those other two old people. Steve sits. Emily quickly stands. EMILY I think what Steve means, is that, we're just thrilled with the way this family is coming together. And I'd like to share with you some of our business plans for after the merger. (to Grandma) Can you pass these out? Emily hands out business plan folders. MR. BUTABI I will get more wine. Mr. Butabi is looking through a wine rack. Steve enters. STEVE Hey, Dad, do you think maybe we could cancel this whole thing? MR. BUTABI Yes, sure... (turns to Doug) ... Nooo! STEVE Dad, that's so funny. But I really don't want to get married. MR. BUTABI You are serious? All these people are here and you are serious? STEVE Dad, it's like, Emily had turned into this whole different person. I mean, at first, she was this girl that I really liked to have sex with. Then she turned into this other girl who I really don't want to marry -- although I don't mind having sex with her. MR. BUTABI Look, the catering is paid for. The tents are all set up. Your grandparents flew half way around the world. Besides, all men go through the same thing the night before their wedding. STEVE You mean, all guys feel sort of nervous and anxious, and kind of hope a train hits her and she eats a can of botulism or maybe she could hang out with a deer, and a hunter accidently shoots her or you know, when she's sleeping and she makes that nose whistle sound and you shake her to make it quiet but what you'd really like to do is take her stupid red toothbrush and ram it up her nostril into her skull. Mr. Butabi stares at him for a beat. MR. BUTABI Steve, these feelings are perfectly normal. CUT TO: INT. BUTABI GUEST COTTAGE - MIDDLE OF NIGHT Doug looking out the window. DOUG'S POV Wedding chairs. Tents. Flowers. Suddenly, we hear a KNOCK at the door. BACK TO SCENE Doug ducks away. CUT TO: EXT. BUTABI GUEST COTTAGE - MIDDLE OF NIGHT Steve, in his pajamas, knocks at the door. STEVE Doug? Doug? You there? Steve pulls put his cell phone, dials. CUT TO: INT. GUEST COTTAGE -NIGHT Doug's CELL RINGS, he picks up and makes believe he's a machine. DOUG You've reached Doug Butabi. I'm not home right now -- because I'm... CUT TO: EXT. COTTAGE Steve listening. DOUG (V.O.) ... out living it up, unlike my pussywhipped brother who's busy throwing his life away and will spend the rest of his years selling silk plants for Emillyyy... (making beeping sound) ... Beeeep. STEVE (assuming it's real) Doug, sorry I missed you. I guess you heard I'm gettng married tommorow. I was just wondering if you wanted to be my best man. See ya. Steve exits. Doug peels through the window at him. CUT TO: EXT BUTABI BACK YARD - DAY Beautiful wedding layout. Guests mill about. Craig is lifting an ice sculpture off it's base. Steve is next to him. STEVE Craig, I know you can lift it. Now can you just listen to me? CRAIG (putting down sculpture) I got it. I walk down the aisle. I stand next to you. And I settle any inter-wedding party skirmishes. STEVE No, you're the best man. Not the wedding bouncer. You just gotta back me up. CRAIG Oh, you mean like spotting you? STEVE Exactly. CRAIG Now, I get it. If things get too heavy, I step in. Like a relationship spotter. (overwhelmed) Thank you, man. I won't let you down. FATHER WILLIAMS, a grey-haired priest, Phil Donahue-type, walks over. FATHER WILLIAMS Okay, boys, we're about ready to start. You look very nice, Steven. STEVE Thank you, Father. I love what you're wearing also. He's in regular black priest garb. He exits, confused. BACK OF WEDDING AISLE Steve walks up to Mr. Butabi, who is waiting with the procession. WEDDING MARCH BEGINS. STEVE You know, Dad, I've been thinking. I didn't really have time to have a bachelor party and that's a pretty important part of the marriage experience. So, we may want to consider delaying the wedding a couple of hours so we can go to a strip club or something. MR. BUTABI Sh! We're starting. WEDDING AISLE Richard Grieco, in tux, walks down the aisle with a frumpy BRIDESMAID. BRIDESMAID Richard Grieco? How do you know Steve? RICHARD GRIECO Look, I just don't want to be sued. Craig, the best man, begins walking down with the maid of honor. CRAIG (to maid of honor) Alright... it's a long walk... pace yourself. Craig takes pulse, looks at his watch. Grandma and Grandma Butabi walk down the aisle. As they approach Craig... CRAIG (excited) Grandma, you look unbelievable! Woo! MR. BUTABI AND STEVE AND BARBARA Walk down the aisle. Steve is wearing a CD walkman -- Mr. Butabi notices and yanks it off. They pass a pretty girl. Steve veers off course. STEVE (to girl) What's up? You from out of town? Mr. Butabi pulls Steve back on course. STEVE (turns back to girl) See you at the reception. EMILY and her parents walk down the aisle... CRAIG Steve! Getting married! Go for it! You are the man! EMILY (yelling up to Craig) Shut up, Craig! I'm walking down the aisle, you dick! Emily goes back to walking gracefully. MARCH ENDS. FATHER WILLIAMS Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today, to join together... STEVE Father? Did we already start? FATHER WILLIAMS Yes. STEVE Oh. Sorry I thought there was going to be a buzzer or whistle or something. FATHER WILLIAMS ... To join together this man and this woman in holy matrimony. If any man can show any just cause why these two should not be lawfully joined together, speak now or forever hold his peace. Nobody speaks. Beat. CRAIG (O.S.) I am having a hell of a time! FATHER WILLIAMS Very good. Now I understand the bride and groom have each prepared something. EMILY (trying to rhyme) Dear Steve, today I wear this wedding gown, and on my face there is no frown. I know our lives together will be great, just like when we saw David Copperfield on our first date. If you set something free and it comes back, you should love it forever, and like one of your silk plants, I'll try to stay beautiful, that is my endeavor. Love, forever, Emily. Steve steps forward, takes out a piece of paper, reads. STEVE Emily, I used to see you outside my father's store. And then we went out on some dates and you let me have sex with you. Steve steps back. Priest looks to see if Steve's done. STEVE I'm done. FATHER Very nice. Steven, do you promise to love Emily, comfort her, honor her, in sickness and in health, as long as you both shall live? STEVE My father already paid the caterer. FATHER WILLIAMS Emily, do you promise to comfort Steve, and honor him in sickness and health, as long as you both shall live? EMILY I do. Mr. Butabi hands Steve the ring. FATHER WILLIAMS Now, Steven, repeat after me... STEVE 'After me'... just kidding. I'm nervous. FATHER WILLIAMS Now repeat after me, with this ring I thee wed... STEVE With this ring, I thee wed. Steve puts the ring on her finger. FATHER WILLIAMS Now, Emily, repeat after me. With this ring, I thee wed. EMILY With This ring -- Suddenly, the ceremony is interrupted by the sound of the GARAGE DOOR OPENING -- revealing... DOUG holding a huge boom box over his head, confidently standing in place. Emily rolls her eyes. Mr. Butabi's angry. STEVE (in shock) Doug. Doug hits the play button. "WHAT IS LOVE?" by Haddaway BLASTS. MR. BUTABI (to organ player) Let's just keep it going. FATHER WILLIAMS Mr. Butabi, I can't -- MR. BUTABI Just ignore him. FATHER WILLIAMS (yelling) Say 'With this ring I thee...' EMILY With this ring -- Doug TURNS UP the VOLUME, drowning out Emily. Steve starts bopping his head. Doug bops his head back. STEVE Sorry, Dad. (turns back) Emily, I'm sorry. I'm not ready yet. I liked your poem. Steve starts walking towards Doug. Mr. Butabi, furious follows him and reaches to stop him. Suddenly, a hand pulls him on his back. We REVEAL it is... CRAIG CRAIG I'm sorry, Mr. Butabi, but as best man, my primary duty is to allow the groom to beat a hasty retreat should the occasion take a sudden ugly turn. Butabi tries to get around. Craig jumps in the way. CRAIG Don't test me. Steve runs up to Doug. STEVE Hey. DOUG Hello. They run out of the back yard. RICHARD GRIECO Puts his arm around Mr. Butabi. RICHARD GRIECO Mr. Butabi, as an actor, I'm a keen observer of human nature. And, I can tell that neither of your sons are anywhere near the maturity level necessary for this sort of commitment. ALTAR Emily is furious. Craig steps in the groom's spot. CRAIG Go ahead, Father. EMILY What are you doing? CRAIG Emily, with all due respect to Steve, his discipline is lacking as is his appreciation for you. I, on the other hand, can bench press 305 lbs. I squat a clean 525, and my body fat percentage is less than two percent. Not only am I a professional trainer, but I someday hope to market my own protein bars and produce an Iron Buns video. Emily considers this a moment, then puts her arm through his. EMILY ... Okay... We should look into infomercials. CUT TO: INT. HOLLYWOOD RESERVOIR - DAY Steve and Doug are on the bridge tossing rocks. DOUG ... and I also took Craig out clubbing. STEVE Mm-hm. DOUG That was alright. Plus, I rented a lot of videos and I didn't do much else. STEVE Uh-huh. DOUG Look, I, uh, I don't know... I just... Steve? Steve is still looking at the water. DOUG Look, I'm sorry. I said a lot of bad things before and... lately... I don't know. DOUG (CONT'D) I've been thinking, you know... You're my brother... we're brothers and when we're together, you know... You just... Jerry MacGuire theme "SECRET GARDEN" by Springsteen begins. DOUG (emotional) You don't drag me down, Steve... I drag me down, me! And you... you complete me! Steve walks up to Doug. STEVE Shut up. Just shut up! You had me at hello. They hug and hold one another as the MUSIC SWELLS... CUT TO: EXT. BUTABI BACK YARD - LATER The guests are gone. In the empty tent, Richard Grieco sits alone drinking wine with Mr. Butabi. RICHARD GRIECO And it seems to me that you're a little bit harder on Doug than you are on Steve. Isn't that true? MR. BUTABI You are right. It's just that Doug is so rebellious, so hard to control. RICHARD GRIECO Rebellious? Scrappy? Dreamer, maybe? What other young man does that remind you of? Mr. Butabi has an epiphany. MR. BUTABI ... Myself. Richard nods, knowingly. RICHARD GRIECO So who are you really fighting with? MR. BUTABI Oh, Richard Grieco, you see right through me. EXT. SUNSET - NIGHT SUPERIMPOSE: ONE DAY LATER We PAN UP the front of the red BMW to reveal Doug and Steve in their usual positions. INT. BMW Doug looks at his hair in the passenger sideview mirror. Then he looks in the vanity mirror. DOUG I missed this car. I look good in it. STEVE Of course you do, bro. DOUG You know it... (gets an idea) Oh... And... you know, you look good also. STEVE (appreciating Doug's gesture) Thanks, bro. I'm glad you moved back in the room. DOUG Dad was kind of a sport about the wedding once Richard Grieco talked to him. STEVE Yeah, and isn't it a kick in the head how Emily hooked up with Craig. DOUG It's funny. The infomercial really makes you want to buy those Power Bars. CUT TO: INT. CHEAP FAKE TALK SHOW SET - DAY Infomercial. Craig and Emily in leotards, pitching their "Un-fat" bars. A chunky silhouette is superimposed -- getting thinner and thinner. STEVE (V.O.) That silhouette chick is hot. CUT TO: INT. CAR - NIGHT DOUG Hey, look... DOUG'S POV Billboard ad of Gilbert Gottfried and Bob Saget in a TNT special movie -- "Orville & Wilbur -- Brothers in Flight." DOUG (O.S.) We got to remember to tape them. CUT TO: EXT. OPEN FIELD - DAY An antique airplane is taking off. Gilbert Gottfried in turn of the century garb, watches the plane. GILBERT GOTTFRIED Yes! Yes, we're in flight! Yes! No! No, that's down. We don't want from down. We want up! Yes! Up is good! CUT TO: INT. CAR -NIGHT STEVE Hey, I wonder whatever happened to Vivica's cousins? CUT TO: EXT. JAPANESE BRIDGE - DAY Akiro and Toronaga are on the bridge -- same positions that Doug and Steve were in. A japanese version of Bruce Springsteen's "SECRET GARDEN" is playing. AKIRO Kiyamo tomaga. SUPERIMPOSE: "YOU COMPLETE ME" TORONAGA Kayama, Tokayama! Ko ma sayagan a suma. SUPERIMPOSE: "SHUT UP, JUST SHUT UP. YOU HAD ME AT HELLO" They embrace. MUSIC SWELLS. CUT TO: INT. CAR - NIGHT DOUG Hey, get in the other lane, there's an accident. CUT TO: STREET Dooey is lying under a totaled limo, surrounded by cans of Reddi-whip. However, the boys don't notice. INT. CAR - NIGHT STEVE Wow, I can't believe all that stuff got wrapped up in one day. DOUG (notices something outside) Hey, check it out... STEVE AND DOUG'S POV - NEW CLUB Outside, people sit on couches and listen to music, even though they are waiting in line to get in. STEVE (O.S.) Wait a second, that was your idea. DOUG (O.S.) It was killer. Bound to happen. EXT. CLUB They park, get out. EXT. CLUB ENTRANCE - NIGHT Guys walk up. A huge BOUNCER steps in front of them. BOUNCER Whoa! No one gets in unless they talk to the list. DOUG Right. Well we're on the list. STEVE Steve and Doug Butabi. The Bouncer checks the list. BOUNCER Butabi... Great. Step right in. DOUG I'm sorry? BOUNCER Go right in. STEVE (confused) ... Okaaay. DOUG I guess we should go in then. STEVE Yeah. The guys suspiciously enter. CUT TO: INT. CLUB - NIGHT The walls look like building facades, we see cars parked inside, the main dance floor covers a lit body of water with fish underneath. The guys look astounded. MR. ZADIR Boys! Mr. Zadir approaches them. STEVE/DOUG Mr. Zadir! MR. ZADIR How do you lke our place? DOUG Our place? MR. ZADIR Yes, I cut you in. It was your idea. STEVE Sweet. DOUG Sweet ass sweet. They high five. MR. ZADIR It's not all sweet asses. Running a club is a lot of hard work. Bouncer comes over. BOUNCER Mr. Zadir, we've got a situation at the door. DOUG We'll take care of it, Mr. Zadir. STEVE We're on the job. EXT. CLUB ENTRANCE - NIGHT Cambi and Vivica are arguing outside with another bouncer. Doug and Steve appear. CAMBI Call the manager then! We're always on the list! DOUG Excuse me, I'm the owner. Is there a problem here? CAMBI Hi, uh... DOUG Doug. STEVE Steve, or jerkoff as you like to put it. VIVICA Look, you're not gonna hold that against is. Just let us in. DOUG (turns to bouncer) Good job. Don't let these or any other predatory lowlife strumpets in the club. STEVE Good call. DOUG Only 'cause it's true. On line, we see the Switchboard Operator from the credit center. SWITCHBOARD OPERATOR That voice sounds so familiar... DOUG He pricks up his ears. DOUG Hey, is that...? The Switchboard operator walks up to Doug. DOUG Are you...? SWITCHBOARD OPERATOR Doug? They mentally put the voice with the face and are immediately attracted. SWITCHBOARD OPERATOR I can't believe it. DOUG You're even more beautiful than you sound. SWITCHBOARD OPERATOR You stopped calling? DOUG Not because I didn't want to... (nervous) Am I what you expected? SWITCHBOARD OPERATOR I totally approve. They're lost in each other's eyes. STEVE (being helpful) Hey, Doug. Do you have the time? DOUG (not getting it) Eleven thirty. STEVE No, do you have the... DOUG (cutting him off) Steve, I think it's working out, but thanks for your help... (to Operator) Come on into my club. SWITCHBOARD OPERATOR Well, I've got my friend. The female Police Officer who earlier pulled them over is her friend. Steve steps over. STEVE Hottie police officer? POLICE OFFICER Violater of posted speed limits? STEVE I was really looking forward to meeting you at the municipal court on or before June sixth. They walk in the club. INT. CLUB - NIGHT "WHAT IS LOVE" by Haddaway comes over the outdoor speakers. POLICE OFFICER Oh, I love this song. SWITCHBOARD OPERATOR Me, too. STEVE In all honesty, I'm a little sick of it. The girls laugh. DOUG Good one. Where do you come up with this stuff? STEVE I don't know. Every once in a while I strike pay dirt. Let's shake it. The MUSIC rises as they all dance and we... FADE TO BLACK. As CREDITS ROLL... FADE IN: EXT. CLUB - NIGHT Doug and Steve stand at the entrance, wearing headsets. A CLUB GOER walks up. Doug steps in front of him. DOUG Whoa, whoa. Name please? CLUB GOER Neil Platt. DOUG Let me check the list. They both check their lists. DOUG I don't see it. STEVE So, step right in. The confused guy goes in. Girl steps up. STEVE Name please. GIRL Lisa Horowitz. STEVE (checks list) Nope. You can go in. EMILIO ESTEVEZ approaches. EMILIO ESTEVEZ Estevez. The guys look up. STEVE Oh my God! DOUG/STEVE Emillliooooo! FADE OUT. THE END